my heart kinda hurts..

im hoping if i write it/say it, then it is not admitted..?

or am i just fooling myself. well im gonna live with that thought right now. my bubble can be bursted tommorw.

"I don't mean to close the doorBut for the record, my heart is soreYou blew through me like bullet holesLeft stains on my sheets & stains on my soul"

"Behind that smile are stories you may never understand"

i hate having so many people around me, and really not being sure how many, if any truley understand me. maybe there not meant too..

but people keep letting me down, and watching me fall. sometimes grabbing me right before i give up. i just wish that some things went back to 'how' they 'were' but i guess that was the past and tehre is a reason why its not coming back.. i guess but that hurts! it hurts me. and it makes me wanna run away.. but i have no where to go, bad idea(and i couldn't actually, silly me!)

but a lot of people in the last few months have slowly drifted, and some are coming back :)..finally. cause i really missed them, a lot more than i think they will ever know. but tehre are still a couple floaters, who i miss but could never tell them, they would not understand.

i miss those days, were nothing mattered, my 'future' was not on the line, apperance was not so imporant, the people who were around me were the only things that really mattered.

those days will come back, soon, but i dont know if it will be soon enough. its like a time out, yeahh it is too.

and maybe this is God showing me to slow down! and make it the good old days.

Today is one year since i got baptisted:) soo gooodd! so happpyy, but in a way i feel like i have come so far and so little all at once. This is a reminder i think that i have not been puttting every situation and stress in my life over to God i have been trying to deal on my own, and i think he is showing me that is going to get me no where, but a dead end. and im so glad im seeing this :) so i can come even stronger and care even more about others :) truthfully i think i care more about other people than myself, in some ways. and that makes me happy, like my purpose that God gave me of helping and giving hope and opening my heart to broken things is being played out one day at a time, one talk at a time, one person at a time.

i vented! and i feel kinda baddd! i hate it being aboutt me haha. but i need to do it sometimes to get the stress level down :) haha hopee i start to feel better, im already. thanks God.