this is totally something i would say.

this is cute.

soo this weeekend was like really great!

i hung outt and got too see a lot of friends!

such a good weekend.

im not so stressted, im not in a like constuffluieknnfsafsa(heheh) and im feeeling preety good!

this is gonna be a good weeek.. cofffe monday, and youth weds, coffeee thursday and youth. play friday, craft fair satruday. prettty liggettt!

my heart kinda hurts..

im hoping if i write it/say it, then it is not admitted..?

or am i just fooling myself. well im gonna live with that thought right now. my bubble can be bursted tommorw.

"I don't mean to close the doorBut for the record, my heart is soreYou blew through me like bullet holesLeft stains on my sheets & stains on my soul"

"Behind that smile are stories you may never understand"

i hate having so many people around me, and really not being sure how many, if any truley understand me. maybe there not meant too..

but people keep letting me down, and watching me fall. sometimes grabbing me right before i give up. i just wish that some things went back to 'how' they 'were' but i guess that was the past and tehre is a reason why its not coming back.. i guess but that hurts! it hurts me. and it makes me wanna run away.. but i have no where to go, bad idea(and i couldn't actually, silly me!)

but a lot of people in the last few months have slowly drifted, and some are coming back :)..finally. cause i really missed them, a lot more than i think they will ever know. but tehre are still a couple floaters, who i miss but could never tell them, they would not understand.

i miss those days, were nothing mattered, my 'future' was not on the line, apperance was not so imporant, the people who were around me were the only things that really mattered.

those days will come back, soon, but i dont know if it will be soon enough. its like a time out, yeahh it is too.

and maybe this is God showing me to slow down! and make it the good old days.

Today is one year since i got baptisted:) soo gooodd! so happpyy, but in a way i feel like i have come so far and so little all at once. This is a reminder i think that i have not been puttting every situation and stress in my life over to God i have been trying to deal on my own, and i think he is showing me that is going to get me no where, but a dead end. and im so glad im seeing this :) so i can come even stronger and care even more about others :) truthfully i think i care more about other people than myself, in some ways. and that makes me happy, like my purpose that God gave me of helping and giving hope and opening my heart to broken things is being played out one day at a time, one talk at a time, one person at a time.

i vented! and i feel kinda baddd! i hate it being aboutt me haha. but i need to do it sometimes to get the stress level down :) haha hopee i start to feel better, im already. thanks God.

my friends :)

so im pretty sure friends make life worth living! like ohh my goodness.

1)one time i was at camp having this hugge mudd fighttt! crazzyness and im like hmm i wonder what it would be like to roll in a bin(like a garge bin)..? like i dunno, so i got in and tried it my freiends roollled me realllyy far.
2)in the kitchen at camp we runn around singing and danccing! and doing no work, it is soo greeatt
3)walking into my room after a long conversation, some cryying and some fighting, i got asked ny questions i just got hugged and told that i was loved no matter what
4)getting off at the wrong bus stop and having to walk like a million miles! hahahha
5)getting on a skytrain to surry like 4 times then finally relaizing that well we were coming back we missed the right one each time! haha soo blondde
6)running across the street at Christmas Banquet, after to crazzy boys.. my daddy always told me to look both ways before i crossed..oopss, no one died dont worry :)
7)dieing my hair black.. then going to camp french braiding it and having everyone laugh cause tehre was a huge blonde patch.
8)throwwing cake every where then going on joshs shorts.. and the greasee stained!
9)driving to timmy hoes in like 2 mintues.. yea thatss right!
10)writing in sharpie across my face... opss.
11)being put into a cardboard person then trying to crackk eggs.. i lostt really really baddly
12)buyying an acutall ring for my nose. and trying to get it in with danielle... ouccch!
13)buyingg hard core earring with juliaa!
14)eatting little ceasers bread for breakfast and dinnner!
15)breaking fingerss! thatss righht! they craccked.
16)findding froggs!
17)prettending we are g! and doing some back streeet boy ness at camp in frontt of everyonee.
18) lettting a boy.. and girl cut my haiirr! do funny, but man i learned my lesson.. for that fact leetting my cut my hair, danielle was supervising i blame her.
19)'skating' on ice in runnerss?
20)finding tampons in the chocolate ile?
21) jumping thee fence to get a picture with the Christmas house
22)peeeing my pants.. more then once!
23) they love you when you feel like no one else does.
24) they steal candy with youu
25)falling in ditches in the darkkk.... it was a huge ditchh! okay it really wasn't
26)liccking windowss.. i tend to do that alott.
27)looots of lock in sleepovers,, oh dearr!
28)puddle jumpinggg, and mud fightss
29) amy teaching me guitar and giving up 5 later cause i got boredd
30)my freinds think my parents are crazzzy...*cough*matthew*cough*
31) going too red robinss and telling the waitress we have 4 mintues... to save the freaking worldd! and having my dad look at us like we are crazzzzy.
32) oil channges?
33)sky trainning to north van! then a freaaaking sea buss no wayy! haha and meeeting a 'random' at metro.. onn a holiday with nothing open
34) dropping the teachers keys in a NNASSTY bucket of juice..reclyecing left overs
35)living at the top of the hill, so haveing to buy McDonalds
36) "tripping off the bus".. haha never happened
37)slippingg when running after friends in front of the guy you likee. great first impression!
38)leaving a pot smelling water bottle in the bread gardenn.. hehe oppss.
39)goingg outt for dinnner and waiting a million years for food! and my friends sticking up for me :)
40)almost losing a hamster.. dropping it on its head.. they would not let me hold it anymore :(
41) dodgeeing from crocket balllss. that were flying towardss us
42) getting in adams car with a hugggeee rip in the crotch of my jeans and he says "if you dont want our friendsip to get really awkard you need to keep this sweater over yourslef.." ahhaha soo funnny!
43)jumping on random canoess and runnning cause people were homee
44) going too timmmys and looking for ppizza at 10 when curfew is 10:30.. to be in bed. then hobos checking us out and looking relaly hard for the boys.. who are no where insiteee. then gettting pizzaa and hurrying back, when a person with there L driving right past the cop shop..
45)going to get pumpking pie at like 11 at nightt.
46)stargazzing
47)mopping.. then walking over it and slipping water.
48)toliet over fulling becasue we poured mop water in to fast.. ops.
49)cleaing boys batthrooms, and singing very loudly so every knew there was a girl but it jsut encouraged them to come in and be tools!
50)messsy mesyy romms! that had rotten hot chocolate
51)powwer rangers!
52) value village hunnttting, for our little jackets ;)
53)peer pressing josh into punching me.. hehe, he didnt do it :)
54)jellybeans anyone?
55) i lovee skinnys and flip flops and our convos about having chubby feet/people who cant wear itt hehe ( i can!)

56)TOYKKO!

57)Mr.Mikes :)

this is ONLY 57.. there are soooo soo many more. but sometimes this reminds me how good i have it and how great life is and my freinds are :)
love you guys!

"when you laugh as much as you breath you know the meaning of life"

what is life;
life has to be more then just like 'living'
there has to be pupose, and i know that purpose comes from God and everything
but in living for God i was to do someting amazing for him.
I want to change the world so people can know about Jesus and how he has changed me life and a lot of people around me.
i want to do something for God that is unreal, unbeliveable and extraordinary!
i don't know what yet tho.
And i love youth, worship is my favorite part of it, i connect with God and feel him on a personal level. But it is very different becasue there are alot of people who were there last year that are no longer there, that i miss like crazzzy! like it is not even understandale how much i miss them! and i feel like God is calling me to change something and make a difference, i dunno. its a really really wired feeling, i dont know what it all means but i will figure it out soon. i hopeee, God will show me soon :)

i thought some pictures were in order.

twloha

"This night made me feel like maybe i can just be myself and be honest in that setting, that maybe i was never meant to look or sound like everyone else... and finally, i think it reminded that i truly enjoy telling stories and seeing people find something in the words."

"Perhaps more than anything, the talk is about the idea that we all live with questions, we can all relate to pain, we all get stuck... and we aren't meant to live alone under the weight (and silence) of our questions. It seems we're meant to share our questions, to invite other people into the broken parts of our life, and to learn to meet our friends in the difficult places in their lives as well."

HOPE

i really do need you.

so i really should not be blogging right now, i should be doing yesterdays socials or sleeping. but becasue i have friends who are suffering, who just 'dont know anymore' im gonna blog, becasue this has been on my heart all day!

YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE WORTH THE WORLD, TO MORE THEN JUST ONE PERSON. YOU HAVE POWER. YOU HAVE STRENGTH. this world offers more to you then you ever know, but you need to open your eyes. you need to look for it. nothing comes easy, it comes so hard, but it is soo worth it. highschool sucks! it is breaking so many of my friends, i cant let it break me! NEVER! lets stand together and make it a place of praise and prayer a place to love and never give up on people.

"Don't ever think that nobody cares or that nobodyloves you because I can guarantee that there is at least one person that thinks about you every night."

Right now, i really need you to see, that people care. people love you. and if it feels like no one loves you they do! please dont break.

brokenness: a friend who told me to not be exicted for my future cause it is a let down. a friend who can only see what the world has to offer her. a friend who is searching for something that high shcool cant give him and once hes gone he will see it, and see how amaazing life is. a friend who is scraed to see what God has to face him with; and he has a frined who he says he gives it a year before he kills himself. a friend who is having the real world hit her like a brick! a friend who jsut likes a boy, and its killing to know he has moved on, and in her silence she feels pain not joy.

i need you guys to hold on, hold on tighter then ever. we are almost throguh, well get through this togehter.

"What a wonderful thought it is that some of the Best days of our lives haven't happened yet." woahh! this is an amazing thought! to know that my best day so far is going to be one of many, maybee my days to come will blow that one out of the water!

i aint given up just yet, i got to much to lose

i love all of you, and i will never give up on any one, cause i need you all.

Music is a safe place and Pedro is her favorite.

i don't think i wanna admit this one..
at least not yet

this time is different,

the proof is right before my eyes.

at least i think it is.

maybe the proof was always there,

but i just pretended it wasn't.

soo; i have not had time to blog in soo long!

but now i have time too.

-----------------------

so i have been at camp for my summer, and this past week, like 48 hours at one point, God has done some greatt greaat things in my life. he has taught me some great lessons. it is truly mind blowing.

Last summer week 7 on wedseday i started to like a boy; well we kinda liked each other.

And it has taken one year, exactly for these feelings to kinda leave, and the hurt to be gone, and for me not to be upset about it anymore.

I have been waiting a year to talk to him, and finally we talked, it was an intense converstation, and a lot was said. but all that was said i needed to get off my chest, i was completley honest. maybe to honest. but i can't take it back, im learning i cant regret anything i say to anyone anymore, and he listened to it all, and it was amazing. i walked away upset, but woke up the next morning, and my heart said "it is done" my heart was done. It was such a mind blowing thing, and the fact that it was in God's time, God knew it was meant to take one year.

Now that i have got all that off my heart, im able to look at him for who he really is now, and not have those hurt feeelings behind it. I wish i could take back everytime i called him a jerk or a player; because i know he did not mean to hurt me, it was not on purpose. and if i truly thought he was those things i would have never liked him. One day i really hope i can talk to him again, and tell him i take back all those things i said and that i think he is an amaizng guy, with amazing talent, and has the potential to make huge differeneces. But right now is not the time for that becausei dont know if he will want to listen to what im really saying, but we have 3 more weeks of summer, and i think he will be around for a while. so one day, in God's time it will happen :)

And now we dont really talk, but i could not fake our freindship anymore, it was the last thing i wanted. so now we both are on the same page; mostly i think, so when we are meant to talk and build our friendship back it will happen. in God's plan. and im looking forward to what God has in store for the rest of my summer.

So having that converstation was a huge huge thing this week, that i have been waiting for a year to happen, but i relaize that it happened when God knew i was ready for it.

I was able albe to repair a friendship with an amazing girl, which im so happy about, becuase i think i would have missed out on an amazing thing, with an amazing person.

There was also another person that told me he has gained so much respect for me this week, becuase of the way im handleing things, he said im being very mature and responsilbe, and talking to him is so good, because i know he understands were i was coming from and what im trying to do to fix wahtever problems there are.

Right now im feeeling so blessed. Thank you God for your forgiveness.

Love you Lord.

i'm going to be completley honest.. i didnt really want to say it out loud..
or write it truthfully, but i have to.

This summer is going to be amazing, maybe even the best one yet.
Being able to serve God in so many ways with all my heart, which is the best feeling ever.

but im nervous to see you.. you make me feel something i never have before.
and even if i tell myself im over you, when i see you all those feelings come rushing back to me.
and part of me wants to wish something will happen, but deep down i know it wont..
so why am i getting my hopes up..yet again.

but i hope im proven wrong.
i hope God will show me this summer that this is really not the guy for me,
and i will be completley over him.
and you know what, God is good.
so where my feelings should be that is were they will be.

Lord; i know my focus will never stray,
but let this summer be entirley about serving you and coming to know you better.
learning new things and meeting new childern of God
i thank you for this amazing oppurtiuny,
and this amazing summer to come!
Amen

friends.

so over the last couple of days i have come to see how truly amazing my freinds are.

and how lucky i'm to have them in my life.

i think i would be lost with out them!

they give me hope, strength, and laughter in my life.
they make me who i'm.
over this past year i have had so many ups and down, like honestly i look back and it has been crazzy!
i have pretty much had my heart broken on so many levels, by so many people; boys, friends, everything i belived in at times.
but over this year i have come to meet some amazing people, great people, childern of God who serve there whole hearts.

-I meet these girls at camp; man have they changed me life, and been there for me like no one could ever understand, and i dont know how i will ever be able to thank them.

-Matthew; i dont think he could ever understand how much he means to me, he is one of those people who have more then one problem in there life, sometimes he has so much nasters going on; i dont know how i could ever be in his shoes. but you now what he has struggled through it this whole time. He is the one person i know i can always call and count on the pick up and talk to me for hours on end, his strength amazes me. i hope you already knew this, dont ever give up.

-Youth Girls, these girls are the reason i made it this year, they have taught about what is not worth my tears in life, and who should be beside me in 10 years. and they all know how much they mean to me.

-God; wow i have grown so much with him this year, connected on levels i never knew we could. Jesus Christ is the saviour of my soul.

don't ever forget it.

I loved this; right when I saw it.

he must become more, we must become less

I see my life, flash across the sky,

so many times have i been so afraid.

And just when i think i've lost my way,

you gave me strength to carry on.

You walked with me,

footprints in the sand and helped me understand where i'm going.

You walked with me when i was all alone,

with so much unknown, along the way, and i heard you say:

I promise you, i'm always there, when your heart it filled

with sorrow and despair, i'll carry you when you need a friend.

You'll find my footprints in the sand

The Lord will fight for you;
you need only to be still
Exodus 14:14

Y Y Y Y Y

thats right :)

Disney land.
Road Trip.
Here We Come :)

giving up?

to read this, and know it is true.

it breaks my heart; honestly.

no matter what you do;

don't give up.

because you don't know who is

counting on you or looking up to you.

Just Believe

One day, you will wake up.
You will be able to get dressed,
eat breakfast, brush your teeth,
take a shower, go to school,
eat lunch, go to class,
and come home. And you'll be able to do all of that
without thinking about him.

the things i thought you'd never know about me
were the things i guess you always understood. this is for the girls who never won, who stay up all night listening to music that inspires them to do things next to impossible. the girls that laugh, smile, cry, and think all on a daily basis. the girls who like, learn, and regret. the girls who may never have it easy. the girls who learn the hard way, and live to tell about it. the real girls.

untitleed.

i love my friends :)

i was going through so not so good stuff, that God is totaly helping me through but i needed a little bit of encouragment; and i found it. Thank You
"i know things seem to be crumbling all around you, but you know what, Maybe God is calling you to preach to these people. Preach to the boy who broke your heart. Preach to the girls who have turned the other way. You are the one who can make change. "

future..

well im so stoked for my future!
ready to be out of highschool! :)
its so over rated and there are so many people, that all they are gonna have is highschool, and i think thats horrible. Highschool is such a small part of your life, but ya its gonna make ya or break ya. Dont let it break ya, and be yourslef, it is so much better that way! No i didnt say easier, i said better.

And I'm not scared for my future nessacary, cause I know its all gonna work out in Gods plan.
Im more scared our choices really.
Like maybe one choices: Gratude a semester early then go to a bible college on the other side of the world! :) then come back and go to universtity or college.
or : dont gratuade early and go to bible college on the other side of the work when I'm done highschool
and how long at the bible college? 6 months is my thought.
Is it even a good idea to be looking at gratuating early? gets me out of highschool faster??

so many choices! butt really even withh all these big questions; im so exicted to see where my future takes me. What God has in storee! :)
Youth Pastor?? :)(my thoughts of the moment at least)

stop hating/start loving

Love is something better. I have been challenged, remind that love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions. I might be simple but more and more; I believe God works in love, speaks in love and is revealed in our love.

Sometimes I look at our world so full of hate. All these girls trying to be someone else and not being happy with who they are. All these guys trying to be some super jock that there just not. We have all become something we are not, and inside we envy others and hate oursleves. And all I can wonder is how is this possible when this world was created by God who is love. The peicies dont always fit together, and I think it might be because no body is happy with who they are, nobody can love themselves so how can they love others. We cant just trust that God loves us, and that him love is enough. And that God would never lead us a stray, he will show us our night in shinning armour..one day when the time is right, he will show you everything we need. So lets stop hating ourselves so we can stop hating others.

Hate is not going to be stopped with more hate it is going to be stopped with love!

( L )

I want to change the world;
even if its only one persons world, its still the world to someone.
I belivie I can do that, I belivie I can make a difference,
and once I heard that the people who are crazy enough to believe they can, are the ones that do.
There will always be people who will say 'you can't', your not strong enough, your just one person you cant make a difference, but sometimes all it takes is that one person.
My name is your name, and one day I'll make a difference, we'll make a difference.
Just Believe.

:)

I'm feeling better!
Don't Fret!

:)

Day Of Love, Not So Lovely..

I'm; struggling..
and yes its love day, almost over thanks gooodnneess
because i havent really been feeling the love.
and i hope all my difficutlies work out because they
are really kinda stupid things.. but they seem to really upset me
hmm...help..:S
one moment im amazing! the next im not..
i think i know why, but the reasons are ridicolous!
so yeeppp!
i hope my next blog is super happy, because im a happy person! :)
im looking forward to it, but for now i got to be content with my distraughtnesss
and hopefully it gets worked out with a few words, and conffessions and feelings soon!

i just keep setting my self up to be hurt by you..

even though you dont relaize it any longer, actually im not sure if you ever did, but some how you have this hold on me.. i try to communicate with you which is hard, because i ask how your doing you never ask me how im.. that makes me think do you care. did you ever really care, and that hurts becasue i know thats not true, i know what we had at one point was really..or was that jsut my hopes going higher and higher..
but when you dont ask how im doing, answer a simple question, i feel hurt and break on the inside.. thats your invisble hold.. no one knows how much it hurt, my friends are sick of me venting to them about how much you hurt me.. most of the time i set my self of for that hurt.. still, even after ive fallen so many times.
that one little heart on my blue jeans, says so much that no one will ever understand but me, everytime i see it, i get upset becasue it reminds me of how broken im by you, and how much i miss you, our converstaions, how you held me, our words that were never said but we knew they where there
i look at what im writing, and i feel like an idiot! on so many leevels, casue you've moved on you have a new girlfriend, but everytime i try to move on all i can do it think about you...

as we stood there making the promise we would be friends forever, and our friendship wouldnt end just summer ended, i knew it was a promise that you couldnt keep, all i did was hope that i was wrong..

quotes.. with how im feeling

People get stuck in moments. Hearts break and don't fix easy. Love is nothing easy. It is not cheap. It is the greatest thing that happens on this planet, and so it comes priced as gold. One of my best friends used to sing the words "love is war". There is the fight for holding on. And the fight for letting go. The hardest thing i have ever experienced is the learning which and when. But i still say it's worth it, that love is real and possible. There are things worth fighting for, and love is at the top of the list...

But we are still here, you and me... And so the question is what to do with that. What to do with the news of the day, and this air that still remains in our lungs. i would say these things: You are not alone. Your life matters. Your story is important. You are alive tonight for a reason. You were created to love and to be loved. You were not meant to be alone. You are not alone. You were meant to do life with other people. You need people who know you. You need to know people. Your voice matters.

http://www.twloha.com/

I believe in God just as much as he does. I mean, not that it's a contest, but we have very different ideas.I don't think you seek out God directly, or else he would just come down and visit us once in awhile. I think he wants us to seek him out through other people, through being in love with the world. He's in the ocean, he's in a bagful of snacks, and the way you end up laughing about them. He's in the laughing. Does that make sense?

i wanted to remember us like we were that summer. i didn't want to ever forget that.-the notebook

Sometimes I wonder if this is all just karma for how i hurt you.

The "I'm Sorrys" dont change a thing

Hearing "Your a good person, theres someone else out there" doesnt change a thing either

your feeelings feel like they have been thrown away and none of it ever meant a thing..

(writen by me)

secret 24; even though we weren't in love, i miss that boy more than anyone will ever understand

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

One day, you will wake up. You will be able to get dressed, eat breakfast, brush your teeth, take a shower, go to school, eat lunch, go to class, and come home. And you'll be able to do all of that without thinking about him.

And it's just like me to overanalyze your every word.thinking that maybe for a second, it meant something.

uh oh..

okay, well sometimes i make mistakes, we all do.
but yesterday i may have made a big mistakee!
so now my goal is to make money, i guess by getttin a job :
to pay back a friend, because i dont want something that happened to wreck our friendship
and i sure hope it doesn't because i value our friendship, and we were startin to become closer, and i hope this stupid like incidecnt doesnt wreck it all...

My feelings i don't think i can really handle right now, and i know that Mr.Right is out there
but im "searching" in a way for him right now, and so maybe i know him, but if im looking for him it will pressure it, so even if i already know the guy, i need to wait, cause it will work out, it takes time, God please help me to "stop searching" and stop blaming myself and feeling like an idiot for what happened with the guy i recently like\maybe still do like... hope not

Im ready for a new semester, to start my grades again! i hope i get all A's but PE hahaha :)
new start! which is exicting!

so theres ups and downs.. but all in all it could be worse